I’ve probably mentioned this in each of the posts I’ve written since getting to Zambia four weeks ago (I can’t believe it’s been so long!), but I am learning so much. Lately, it hasn’t been easy lessons. The Lord is teaching me a lot about myself and my character, and it’s been tough.
Since I’ve been here, I’ve noticed that my personality is a whole lot different. Just to give you an idea, a few Zambians have told me that I don’t talk enough; my whole life, I’ve heard the opposite of this! It seems as though I don’t ever really have much to say—I just sit and listen to what other people have to say. I’ve also struggled to feel apart of what’s going on around me. It’s that “in a room full of people but I feel all alone” feeling.
I’m still trying to figure out why I am here. To be honest, a lot of the time it just feels like I’m in the way and taking up space. I hate this feeling! It’s become so clear to me that I am incredibly task-oriented (maybe too task-oriented). Without a specific task, I feel useless. It’s also difficult to not always know what’s going on around me. Krissy made a great observation when we Skyped a couple weeks ago: for the past couple years, I’ve been someone that people can come to to get information. During college (and even high school), I was blessed with some incredible leadership opportunities that allowed me grow as an individual and foster my leadership abilities. Now I’m in a place where I really know nothing and have had to become dependent on other people (so not easy for me). It’s a stark contrast from just a few months ago.
This past week has been hard for me—it’s safe to say the honeymoon phase is over. I miss being surrounded by friends, family, and familiarity. I wish I could hang out with the people who know and love me best, who know when I need a hug and can tell when I’m upset….people who know just what to say to simultaneously encourage and challenge me.
This morning in church, I some great moments with the Lord (which was really cool, especially because I found the service quite…distracting. Let’s just say it wasn’t quite what I’m used to). He made it clear to me that I am trying to fill voids in my life with all the wrong things. I far too often try to be satisfied, filled, encouraged, and accepted by created beings, created things. This morning the Lord reminded me that He loves me and cares for me, that He has a plan for me…that I can “search for all eternity long and find there is none like [Him].”
Tomorrow is the first day of classes at Georgia College. Part of me wishes that I was in Milledgeville, going to dinner at El Tequila and going home to 721 to watch Dr. Quinn with Krissy, Amanda, and Julia…but I’m not. I’m grateful for the season of life I had in that crazy little city but am excited to see what the Lord has in store. I think the biggest thing is that I’m a little bit scared (okay, maybe more than a little bit). I honestly have no idea what my next step is.
But God is good. He has a plan. He loves me. Why and how do I so easily forget these simple truths?
For now, I’m going to hang out with some of the coolest kids I’ve ever met and try my best to proactively trust in the Lord’s provision of comfort and guidance.
But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness.